Carry On
by Eilam Wordsmith
Summary: Grief is a heavy burden. Kaidan Alenko carried his for two years.
1. Prologue: Broken

**Author's Note:** Spoilerific, you guys. If you haven't started Mass Effect 2 yet, or if you haven't finished your first playthrough...YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

This is my response to the lack of Kaidan Alenko scenes in ME2. Shenko forever.

* * *

Kaidan Alenko did not want to get out of bed. Namely because he should have been sleeping in one of the pods reserved for the crew. Instead, the woman he loved lay curled up against his chest. It wasn't often that they relented to such comforts, trying to keep the crew from grumbling about preferential treatment (not that any of their crew would grumble), and Kaidan was determined to enjoy every last moment.

And that was, of course, when the alarm went off.

Shepard groaned, pressing harder against him. "Double shift today. Kill me now."

"Not a chance," Kaidan murmured, kissing her brow. The wrinkles in the sheets had left an imprint on her cheek.

She kissed him back, and then rolled out of bed. Kaidan let her; he had to get up for his own shift, anyway. As Shepard pulled on her navy blues, she shot a glance at Kaidan, smiling.

"That reminds me. I managed to find a replacement set of armor for you until we can find something better. You might not like it, though."

"What is it?" Kaidan pulled up his pants. He was really beginning to hate the mercs that they had run into two days ago. Not just because they had shot at him (quite a lot), but because his usual Onyx armor had been so badly scored in the battle that he'd had to trash it.

"The only light armor I could find with decent shields and plating for you...it's Phoenix armor."

No. No way. "Shepard," Kaidan said. "Phoenix armor is _pink_. Maybe Ash liked it, but--"

"It's just temporary, you big baby," she laughed, pulling on her boots. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"You'd better," he said, leaning over to whisper into her ear. "You owe me big."

"I will," Shepard whispered back. "Even if it takes me the rest of my life."

"Good enough for me."

#

The alarms were going off around his head, demanding that "ALL CREW MEMBERS MUST REMAIN SEATED". Someone was pulling on his arm, trying to drag him away from the escape shuttle's only window. Kaidan shook them off, his eyes never leaving the wreckage of the _Normandy_.

All other escape pods had been jettisoned. Except for the one at the helm. Joker's shuttle. And Shepard's.

He shouldn't have left. God damn it, he shouldn't have left her there. She was alone on a blasted ship with a man that was essentially a cripple, and the unidentified vessel that had caused it all was circling around for another attack.

_Come on, Shepard, get out of there. Kick Joker out of that damn chair and...Joker. Joker, I swear, if anything happens to Shepard because you are acting like an ASS, I will KILL YOU. I will kill you with my brain, I swear to God!_

A beam of energy shot out of the attacking ship, slicing into the already-battered _Normandy_. The Alliance vessel crumpled, began to tear. Kaidan watched as their home was ripped apart.

_Shepard!_

Kaidan couldn't breathe. He was choking, choking on fear and grief and pain, but most of all on this strangled feeling of loss. It couldn't happen, it couldn't.

And then, a miracle. The last escape pod rocketed away from the debris and began to drift to their location. It was okay. She was safe, she...

No.

There was something else floating away from the _Normandy_. Something smaller. Something human-shaped. Something that was leaving a trail of oxygen in its wake as it writhed in the vacuum of space. Shepard.

Dear God, no. No. NO!

She was still alive--he could get to her. He had to save her, had to, she was going to die! The controls--were there no controls in this damn shuttle?! Biotics, then. He would pull her in...

Hands grabbed him as he let the dark energy course through his body. There was a sharp pain in his neck--sedative--and someone was yelling. _He_ was yelling.

As his biotics dimmed and his muscles grew heavy, Kaidan took one last look at the woman floating through space. Her body was still, and she faded like a distant star.

Kaidan sank to the floor. Broken.


	2. Hella Bar Talk

_Thought this was just a one-shot, didn't you? Title comes from the Star Trek (2009) soundtrack. It's also the theme for this chapter._

* * *

Kaidan still wasn't drunk enough. The bartender looked worried and kept trying to cut him off, but the expression in the marine's eyes made him give in every time. His eyes asked for oblivion, and if he didn't get it he would give it to someone else.

But that hadn't stopped the bartender from making a descreet call to the Alliance embassy.

When Anderson sat down beside him, Kaidan didn't even look up. Instead he eyed the half-empty glass in his hand, tipping his head to one side.

"This shit is green."

"Yes, it is." Anderson looked around at the bar, nearly deserted and quiet, except for some low song crooning in the back. "Spare some for an old captain?"

Kaidan waved his hand at the full glass beside him. "Take it."

Anderson nodded, downed most of the glass in one go. "Nasty stuff. How much have you had?"

A shrug in response. Empty glasses covered this side of the bar, every one turned upside-down, the inside coated in sticky green residue.

_Bang_. Kaidan set his now-empty glass next to the others. His hand shook, but was still surprisingly steady.

"Getting drunk is hard," the lieutenant announced to no one in particular.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. The biotics. Burns it all away."

"I didn't know that."

"She didn't either, the last time we tried to get drunk."

Anderson's voice went quiet. "You mean Shepard?"

Kaidan didn't answer, turning an empty glass around and around.

"You know the service is tomorrow."

"No." Kaidan shook his head. "Shouldn't...never found her...her body."

"She's dead, Alenko." Anderson's head sank, his voice weighted with the words he was admitting to for the first time. "With no oxygen, and that close to the planet's atmosphere--there's no doubt."

"She deserves better," Kaidan growled.

"I know. But people are scared. What would they do if word got out that she'd been killed in hostile action with an unknown enemy? She's a hero. If pretending she's alive for now gives us some hope for tomorrow, then I'll pretend. And at least this way we can mourn her without it turning into a public spectacle."

"Yet," Kaidan grumbled.

Anderson ignored him and took a sip of his drink. "Her mother will be there tomorrow. She wants to meet you."

"Why?" Kaidan scoffed. He did not reach for a fresh glass.

"Apparently, her daughter told her all about a man she'd met. Somenoe she'd fallen in love with."

Kaidan jerked around, the reflex to rules and regulation taking hold before he could stop himself, but Anderson's face remained neutral. "And you're expected to give the final eulogy. Do you really want to show up hungover?"

Anderson's expression hardened, and Kaidan put his head in his hands. "Shut up."

"I know what you're doing here, lieutenant." Anderson put his glass down. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love. Whether it's though death or circumstance, it hurts like hell, and you want it to go away. You want to forget it, pretend it never happened. But you can't wallow in denial forever, Alenko. Shepard is dead."

"SHUT UP!"

A whiff of ozone, a flash of dark energy, and all the empty glasses on the bar smashed into the wall, shattering in a rain of sticky green glass.

Kaidan stood, his chair fallen on the floor behind him. He breathed deeply, his eyes unfocused and teeth clenched.

"Just...shut up."

Anderson watched, waited while Kaidan leaned against the bar. After almost half an hour, when Kaidan's breath was light again and his body no longer shook, Anderson said, "Better?"

Kaidan nodded, ran a hand through his hair. "How long does this last?" He asked. "How long until I can think about her without wanting to die too?"

"That depends," Anderson replied. "But it doesn't happen any sooner by drinking yourself to death." His voice became gentle. "So sober up, soldier. You're not the only one hurting, and she's counting on you to be strong."

Anderson stood up, gesturing to the exit. "Come on. I'll walk you to your barracks."

Kaidan looked at him, then at the dimly lit bar. The few that remained were deep in their drinks, their eyes dead. He turned to the door, where the blue and purple lights of the Citadel still shone because of her.

"Yeah," he said. "Okay."


	3. Eulogy

_Holy superlatives, Batman! The support is astronomical!_

_Indeed. Thanks, you guys. I'll be taking the time to reply to reviews tomorrow, I promise._

_Theme song for this chapter is "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel, from the City of Angels soundtrack._

* * *

It was supposed to be small, private. It didn't feel that way. The Alliance embassy was crowded with the crew of the _Normandy_, high-ranking officials like Admiral Hackett, Councilman Anderson, and Ambassador Udina, and several other people Kaidan doesn't recognize. They all sat around the table where her picture rested, along with an N7 helmet and dozens of medals. Shepard's medals.

As people stood beside this small memorial to speak, Kaidan found himself staring at her picture. She was grinning just slightly, her eyes bright, one brow slightly lifted.

_I could never leave you behind, Kaidan. You know that._

_But you did, Shepard,_ he thought. _You did._

Liara was saying something. Kaidan trie to shake himself to attention.

"She was the most compassionate soul I have known," she quavered. "When any other would doubt my loyalties and abilities, Shepard did not. She trusted others to do what was right, and guided others who did not know how to. I remember her as a paragon of her kind, and I..." Liara swallowed, then straightened herself. Kaidan noticed a hard glint in her eye that had not been there before. "I will do my best to live up to her example."

Then Liara stepped down, and Tali'Zorah took her place. The quarian was very still; her usual energy was gone. No, not gone--focused.

"In my pilgrimage, I sought to become more than a child. I sought honor, and a glorious return to my people. I sought a gift that would make me worthy to them. Then I met Shepard.

"I found that honor is not a thing to possess but a way to behave. I found that glory is earned not only throught great deeds, but also small acts. I found that worth is not in things, but in people, and that mine is measured by myself.

"I will be returning to my people with a valuable gift. But it is because of Shepard that I will be returning as an adult."

Wrex stepped forward. He crossed his arms and glared at them all, daring anyone to deny his right to be there. When he spoke, it was with an anger that Kaidan knew well. Not rage, but a very active disgruntlement.

"Shepard was one of they finest warriors I've known, and the only human in the galaxy who was worth a damn. Her death wasn't good enough for her."

As Wrex stepped away to the edges of the room, Kaidan couldn't help but notice more than a few offended faces. He wanted to laugh. Shepard would have. It was the best send-off a krogan could give, and it still sounded like he was giving everyone the finger.

Garrus was next, and the turian looked at the crowd, swallowing hard. Huh. Never would have pegged him as shy.

"I didn't always agree with Shepard," he said. "In fact, I got told off more than once. But the commander respected all opinions, even mine. She got the job done, and I've never served on a finer crew. It was an honor to have her as my commander."

Kaidan looked around, hoping that it wasn't his turn yet. It wasn't. Four women with similar faces made their way to the front of the room, leaning close to each other for support. He wanted to run.

The eldest, a woman in her late fifties with wide grey streaks in her black hair, stood at the forefront. Her three daughters stood behind her.

"My daughter was Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, and she died in service under Commander Shepard." Anyone else might have crumpled when they had to say something like that. But this was Ash's mother. Kaidan couldn't look her in the eye.

Mrs. Williams went on. "When Ashley called us to say that she was serving aboard the _Normandy_, she was so proud. So were we. It had always been her dream to serve in space like her father, but she had never gotten the chance before. Commander Shepard gave her that chance.

"That was all Ashley ever wanted--a chance to prove what a remarkable person she was. I--" For the first time, Mrs. Williams faltered. Then she swallowed and looked directly at Kaidan. "I never got to thank her for that chance. So I'm thanking you, instead. Thank you."

The Williams women stepped down, and Kaidan could breathe again. He shifted his weight forward, ready to stand up. But there was already someone moving through the crowd. He limped badly on one leg, and his right arm was in a sling.

Joker. Kaidan felt the anger from the night before building up again. It was chant like fire that pounded against his skull. _Your fault your fault your fault..._

"It's my fault the Commander's dead."

The pounding relented. For the moment.

"I stayed in the cockpit while everyone else evacuated. Instead of saving herself, she came to get me. But I couldn't abandon the _Normandy_." Joker brought up his free hand and dragged it over his face. There were dark circles under his eyes.

"She dragged my out of the chair and got me into the shuttle, but...she didn't make it. And explosion knocked her away, and she was gone. She gave her life to save an idiot like me. I can't even pay her back. But if I can do it someday, I will."

Joker met his eyes for a moment, his gaze pleading. _I'm sorry. Please believe me._ Kaidan felt nothing, gave nothing. Joker looked down and walked to the back.

It really was his turn, now. At least there was no trace of a hangover left; modern medicine had his everlasting thanks. Kaidan looked at her picture again, imagining her jabbing his ribs with her elbows. _Go on. You can do this._

Each shaky step to the table brought him further into a crushing reality that he had tried to avoid with the drinks. He felt how cold the air was, how stale. Colors, light, sounds, all of it felt darker, and he was wrapped up in it, suffocated by it. One breath, heavy as lead, and he know. This was a life without Shepard.

These people, how could they do it? How could they walk around so easily? She was gone. But they looked at him, waiting.

"It's a big galaxy," he said. His voice sounded dead, ripped apart. "There's trillions of beings here. Just living, every day. Shepard used to be one of them.

"So how, out of all the worlds and all the life out there, did we all manage to find this one woman? One amazing, irreplacable person? I don't know how it happened to me. I never thought I would be lucky enough to meet someone like her.

"She was special to me. To all of us. She listened to anything you had to say, went out of her way to talk to you. In her eyes, you felt important. In her eyes, I felt...human."

He was going to lose it. The world was spinning and he wanted to choke. But he had to finish, for her.

"Commander Jane Shepard could prove anyone wrong and do the impossible. I thought it was impossible for her to die. She proved me wrong. I wish she hadn't.

"I will always miss her."

#

People began to disperse after that. The old crew crowded around Kaidan, but none of them spoke much. There were no words left. They drifted away until the only one left was a woman in captain's uniform.

"Lieutenant Alenko?"

He head snapped up. The voice...and her face, her eyes...older, but still. It couldn't be...

"Ma'am?" He said, hesitant. Hopeful.

"Captain Hannah Shepard," she replied. "I believe you knew my daughter?"

Of course. His Shepard's voice had been lower in pitch, more commanding. The captain's hair was lighter, streaked with grey around her ears, cropped much closer to the head. Her face, though very similar, was narrower than her daughter's. And the nose was all wrong. This was not his Shepard.

But it could have been. Given another twenty years, more responsibilities, and maybe even a child...this might be what Shepard would have looked like when they grew old together.

His heart twisted.

"I like to think so, ma'am."

"Please, no formalities. Not today." Her face was stone, a dam holding back the grief. "Call me Hannah, or Shepard, if you prefer."

"All right...Hannah. Did you...want to talk to me?"

"Yes." She looked at the table, at Shepard's picture. "You know, her father would have been so proud of her, hearing how loved and respected she was."

"She never said much about him." She never spoke about herself at all.

"He died when she was just sixteen. It hit her hard. He was the one who encouraged her to enlist, supported her training. I wanted her to stay safe, out of the military."

Kaidan swallowed.

"Forgive me for saying so, but I'm glad she enlisted. Otherwise...I never would have met her."

Hannah closed her eyes for a moment, as if to hold the pain back behind her eyes. When she looked at him again, her gaze was penetrating, examining. There was no doubt that she was a commanding officer, or a mother, with a look like that. "Jane told me about you."

"What...what did she say?"

"That you were one of the finest soldiers she'd ever met. That she'd never known someone so kind, or so sweet. That she loved you."

He tried to keep breathing normally and couldn't. He put a hand over his face, shaking with restrained sobs. Hannah put a hand on his shoulder, her head low.

"I know. I miss her, too."


	4. Deadly Reminders

_Wow, everyone. I never thought so many people would like this angsty little fic. For every review I've gotten, there have been twice as many +Favorite Story and +Story Alerts going on. I'm moved into a new orbit. Thank you._

_There wasn't really a particular theme in mind when I wrote this chapter, but then the song found me. "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer. Listen to it after you read the chapter. _

_For those of you who are not a fan of John Mayer, I offer my two backups: "Watermark" by Enya, or the "Somewhere in Time" theme by John Barry. Keep the tissues handy._

* * *

The hardest thing was to convince himself to get out of bed each morning. Roll to the side. Swing one leg over. Stand up. This would keep going (pick up the toothbrush) until he had enough momentum to make it through the day. (Breathe.)

His migraines happened more and more frequently--almost every day, now--and he realized that with Shepard they had only occurred every few weeks, if that. Even in all the chaos and stress they'd gone through hunting Saren, her presence had soothed him. And now, nothing.

Kaidan had heard the myths before about how the spirits of the dead watched over their loved ones. When Ash had died, he and Shepard had discussed it at length.

"Honestly, if the _Normandy_ had to be haunted, I can't think of a better person to do it," he'd said. "But Ash better not be watching while I'm in the shower."

Shepard had smiled. A sad smile, her first since Virmire, but a smile nonetheless. "I'd haunt you in a second, Kaidan," she said.

They'd laughed then. But now that she was no longer here, he hoped it had been a promise and not an off-hand remark.

When he dreamed of her heartbeat, it made it all the harder to get up the next day.

#

Sometimes the memories came all at once. Every time it was a sock in the gut, leaving him winded. He would be staring at his rations, wondering just what food group it was supposed to be, and _bam_. An image of Shepard wolfing down her won meal, then sitting up and sticking her tongue out. "Gross." Once the memory faded he would just sit, if he could, trying to catch his breath.

The combination of charcoal grey, red, and white was lethal. It was especially bad on Halloween that year. He was on shore leave, visiting his folks, and it was his turn to answer the door with a bowl of candy. The kid, a little girl with short brown hair, was wearing a plastic copy of Shepard's N7 armor, holding a bucket shaped like a geth's head. She couldn't have been more than five.

He hadn't answered the door for the rest of the night.

When he saw the first recruitment vid, he thought he'd slipped into a memory again. But then he realized that he never remembered Shepard standing like a mannequin, or saying something like that.

"We need soldiers. We need heroes. We need _you_. Defend humanity, save the galaxy. Join the Alliance."

Kaidan had thought the phrase "mad enough to spit nails" was only a euphemism, but just then his mouth tasted like iron.

Yes, kids. Join the Alliance. Then you too can risk life and limb, watch your friends die, fall in love with your commanding officer and then lose her to hostile action.

He'd never been so glad to ship out before. And then he saw the error message some FNG had loaded onto his terminal.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and I delete data like this on the way to real errors."

Crap.

#

Most days it was only work that kept him functional. Endless repetition, limitless paperwork and red tape; bureaucracy was a solid foundation of inevitability in this suddenly changed world. He missed the firefights, but one whiff of gun oil was enough to leave him shaking with memories of her.

When he got the report on the first missing colony (correction--the colony was intact, it was the _colonists_ who were missing), his first instinct was to tell Shepard. Then he mentally kicked himself for the next half-hour

This was what he missed the most, and found the hardest to get over, after losing her. Just sharing things. What he wanted, felt, thought; Shepard got it. She got _him_. They'd gotten used to talking to each other about what they were thinking, always seeking the other's opinion after the big decisions. _Did I do right?_ But now...Kaidan kept turning to look for a ghost.

When they promoted him to Commander, he wanted to call her and say, "Aha! No more pesky regs for us!" One heartbeat later, he remembered that he hadn't had to worry about breaking regs for months.

He kicked himself harder this time.

#

One night, he had a dream about her.

He watched as she smiled at him, her body breaking apart like glass. The pieces lay at his feet, smile gone. From somewhere, or nowhere, he heard a heartbeat. Her heartbeat. The pieces began to slide back into place, glass-Shepard becoming whole once more. But she was not the same. She was cracked, scarred.

Her smile was gone. Instead, she screamed in pain.

He woke up sobbing.

#

Kaidan wondered when it had happened. When did he become so fragile that one person could break him so easily?

Because no matter how much time passed, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was healing, that he is _moving on_, the truth is still there every morning he wakes up without her.


	5. Farewell Blues

_Wow, what a whopper! I'm making up for lost time now!_

_Some notes that will make sense later: 1. Kelly Chambers, I think you are a skank. 2. I call my niece Snugglebunny. 3. This chapter is dedicated to The Odd Little Turtle and her fic "Redundant". For the asari slurpees._

_Theme song is "Farewell Blues", from the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack, and the namesake for this chapter._

_Enjoy! (And there will be a surprise tomorrow for the readers of Stay With Me.)_

* * *

Kaidan no longer had to talk himself into getting up in the morning; his body did it for him. His body did a lot of things for him, now. Eating. Working. Talking. Deep down, he wondered if Sovereign had won after all and turned them all into machines. It felt like it. His mind seemed completely disconnected. Sometimes he even lost whole days if there wasn't a mission.

He'd been declared fit for duty and put in charge of the missing colony situation. Serving under Shepard had recommended him for accomplishing impossible tasks.

It was an endless pattern of loss and failure. Get intel on another missing colony, investigate, find no evidence, file the mission report. Repeat. The higher-ups began to quietly panic. How best to hide this from the general public? Are you _sure_ there was nothing there?

He was letting them down. The Alliance was his family, service his bread and butter, and it was all he had now that Shepard was gone. Thousands of colonists had disappeared and he didn't know why.

So he did what Shepard would have done: come up with a suicidal plan and volunteer for the front line. He offered to stay on a colony in the Traverse, building defensive turrets both for the colonist's safety and for his own cover. If the colony was attacked, then at least they would have some idea of what was happening.

The suggestion went to committee. In the meantime, there was a batarian slaver problem for him to handle, geth pockets to mop up.

Shepard would have railed, cursed the short-sightedness of politicians, and then done it anyway. Time was, Kaidan would have been pretty pissed himself. But now he waited, taking particular pleasure in shooting a slaver's kneecap.

His squad was small, just him and four other marines. The two women gave him a wide berth and sympathetic looks, whispering about "damaged goods". The two guys, Makara and Shanahan, were determined to make his life a living hell.

"Alenko, you ever had an asari slurpee?"

Kaidan did not look up from the pistol he was cleaning (the memories weren't so intense anymore, but he still tried not to breathe the scent of the oil.) "No."

Shanahan leaned in. "It's _really_ not as nasty as it sounds, Commander. Honest."

"He's right," Makara said, elbowing his buddy in the ribs. "It's nastier. Slickest thing I've ever tasted."  
Dear God, they were at it again. "Guys, I don't--"  
"Would you say it tastes salty, Makara?"

"I would, Shanahan. You know, I still can't get over the different color."

"Oh, I know, but it's just so warm and moist--"

"_Guys_." Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "I'm aware of what an asari slurpee is. A friend of mine ordered one from a bar at the Citadel, and she said it was the most disgusting drink she'd ever tasted."

Too late, he realized that it had been Shepard that had ordered that drink. He tried to go back to cleaning his gun, but his two subordinates already had wicked gleams in their eyes.

"She?"

"A _friend_ of yours, Commander?"

It was his own fault; he gave them so little ammunition that they ran for eons on whatever they could get. And Kaidan really wasn't in the mood for the usual hours of questions and ribbing.

"Yes, _she_ was a friend. In fact, _she_ was more than a friend. But _she_ has been dead now for over a year. So drop it."

To his surprise, they did. Grief, he discovered, could be more than a shield. It was a weapon that could force people away from him. If he thought about it, he'd been using it that way for months. When was the last time he'd really talked to someone? Not about work or the weather, but a real conversation?

Too long.

"Sorry," he said. Makara and Shanahan looked up, wary. "Why don't you two leave the rest of the cleaning to me, get off duty early. Just this once."

They grinned, thanked him and left. When Kaidan got back to his cabin, there was a package waiting for him at the door. A note taped on the outside read:

_To apologize for our behavior, we, Corporal Aldon Makara and Staff Lieutenant Jacen Shanahan, do hereby present our superior, Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko, with a brand-new, state-of-the-art Cruise Sock. May you reap its benefits until it can stand up on its own._

Inside the box was a clean, white, standard-issue sock. For the first time since Shepard had died, Kaidan laughed.

#

He was invited to join Poker Night, an achievement in and of itself since he had never played poker before. Shanahan was ambivalent, but Makara found this to be a crime against nature and treason of the highest order.

"Not know how to play poker!" He muttered. "Next you'll be telling me you don't know how to play pazaak."

Kaidan decided to keep quiet on the fact that he didn't know _any_ card games.

Still, it was easy enough for him to grasp the rules, and several hands later he sat glaring at his cards.

He had a pair of jacks, a two, an ace of clubs, and the queen of hearts. Not a worthless hand. But if he was remembering the rules correctly, he needed to discard the two and the queen for the possibility of something better.

The two was easy enough to throw away, but the queen--it was a good card, a valuable card. Couldn't hurt to hang on to it, not when there was a chance it could still help him in the game.

One bluff and several credits later, Makara pointed out Kaidan's mistake.

"You held on to the queen too long. If you'd discarded when you had the chance, you would have gotten another jack--three of a kind, a winning hand."

"How can you know that?" Kaidan asked.

"I count cards, and I cheat, and I'm one hell of a poker player. Trust me, I know."

Kaidan wondered if Shepard had played poker.

#

He thought he was back at Brain Camp. Everything was white and sterile, and there were monitors beeping and doctor's voices echoing in the corners of the room. But he looked around and realized that he wasn't the one strapped down to the table. There was a woman, just a few feet away, strapped down in his place. White cloths had been placed over her to conserve her modesty, and one on her face to conceal her identity.

Something seemed...off...about her. Her skin was soft and pale, and what little hair was on her head was fluffy like a newborn's. If he looked closely at her hands, he could see that her nails went only halfway down the nail bed--they were still growing in. This woman, although adult size, was _new_.

Kaidan reached out, curious. He touched the cloth covering her face and it slid off, falling to the floor. Kaidan didn't notice, transfixed by the woman's face. Shepard's face. It was raw and red with fresh stitches, her eyes were closed, but he knew. He would know her face anywhere.

The doctors. What was going on here? Certainly nothing good. An ally would have notified him, and Shepard had too many enemies. He had to get her out of this place.

"Shepard," he whispered into her ear. "It's Kaidan. You've got to wake up."

Her eyelids fluttered.

Another voice--a man's voice, a doctor's--spoke. "My God. She's waking us."

"Give her a sedative, now!"

Everything was going dim. He could hear the doctors but couldn't see them. The entire room seemed to be receding. Only Shepard remained clear and distinct, her body twitching in an effort to wake.

Her eyes opened.

Kaidan sat bolt upright in bed, the dream still heavy around him. He ran a hand over his face, trying to wipe away the image of her eyes. Then he braced himself for the inevitable wreck he would become.

But this time, as he waited in the dark, nothing happened. He stayed whole and unbroken, his breath whooshing in and out in even beats. Eventually he fell asleep again, and this time there were no dreams.

#

"Commander, that's the most disturbing dream I've ever heard of," Shanahan said. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Do?" Kaidan folded his arms over his chest and leaned against his equipment locker. "I've been having bad dreams like that ever since she died. I deal with them, I move on; just like a migraine."

Shanahan shrugged. "Doesn't seem healthy to me, but it's your choice, Commander. If you change your mind, I know this shrink on the Citadel. She's not too shabby, if you know what I mean."

"Thanks, lieutenant," Kaidan turned away. "But no thanks."

#

It happened one day as he was walking in the Presidium, not thinking about anything in particular at all. As he passed by the Conduit (a site now under constant surveillance), a woman bumped into him.

"Sorry," he said, though he was annoyed at himself for apologizing to someone for bumping into _him_.

The woman mumbled her own apology, then paused, staring at his face. Her gaze traveled down his body, then back up. She smirked, one eyebrow lifted slightly. Kaidan felt the urge to either run or blush.

"I'm _really_ sorry," the woman said. "Can I make it up to you? We could go for drinks." She shifted her hips to one side, her skintight dress stretching ever so slightly.

"Uh..." Kaidan swallowed. "Thanks for the apology, but I have to go. I'm expected back at my ship in an hour."

"Too bad." She pulled a card out of her handbag and gave it to him. "Look me up next time you get the chance."

Later, Kaidan sat at his terminal and placed the card on the desk in front of him. He threw it away eventually, but not until after he remembered the last woman he'd flirted with.

#

"The bastards want to promote me," Shepard said.

Kaidan didn't look up from his datapad. "You'd make a good admiral, Hannah."

Hannah Shepard's face glared at him through the vid screen. "I just got my own ship two years ago," she said. "And now they want to drag me out of it? Fat chance."

That sounded so much like his own Jane Shepard that Kaidan had to smile. "Is that mutiny I hear, Captain?"

"Not yet, but it will be if they don't back off."

"I'm with you, but why do you think you're getting promoted? You're incredibly skilled and a great leader; the Alliance could use more admirals like you."

"Alenko," Hannah took on her 'admonishing mother' tone. "You're one of the best soldiers I've ever seen, and you have a good head on your shoulders when it comes to politics. Jane knew it, too. But you're too damn naive about the Alliance's good intentions."

"I just try to serve as best I can," he said. He put the datapad to one side. "I though you did, too."

"I am, Alenko. Captains can do a lot more in the field then admirals. Besides, this promotion would be nothing more than a glory move for the brass. My last name carries a lot of weight right now."

Kaidan rubbed his temple. "So don't accept it. Use some of that weight to your advantage."

"I might just do that. But you be careful, or they'll do the same to you."

"I'll keep it in mind."

"Right. Take care, Alenko." Hannah's voice went soft. "Do her proud."

"Aye-aye, ma'am."

#

Makara and Shanahan ambushed him two minutes after they docked at the Citadel for shore leave.

"You're going on a date," Makara said, his voice brooking no argument.

"With the doctor I told you about," Shanahan continued in the same tone.

"And you're meeting her at Flux--"

"--in one hour."

They each put one hand on each of his shoulders and said in unison, "_Or else_."

Kaidan blinked, one hand still clutching a mug of lukewarm coffee. He looked at first one man, then the other. Then he plucked their hands off his shoulders.

"Uh, no."

The servicemen grinned, Makara pulling out a roll of duct tape, Shanahan a suit of civvie clothes.

"I'm afraid that's not an option, Commander."

Kaidan grabbed the clothes and ran for his quarters; sometimes you had to pick your battles.

#

He'd never really like Flux; the lights and music triggered his migrains too easily, and the company left much to be desired. Still, it was only this once, and then he would never have to see this club, or this doctor, again.

Although if said doctor was any later, they might not meet in the first place. Kaidan had been waiting for half an hour, shifting in the itchy clothes Shanahan had given him. Five more minutes and he was leaving.

"Commander Kaidan Alenko?"

The doctor was...cute. Kaidan thought it over and yes, she qualified as cute. Petite, wide eyes with thick lashes, red hair cut in a bob. He had a hard time believing this was a doctor.

"That's me. And you are?"

"Kelly Chambers. Jacen didn't tell you?"

Kaidan grinned. "He was too busy forcing me out the airlock to give me many details."

The woman, Kelly, grinned back. "Aldon pulled out the duct tape, didn't he?"

"How'd you know?"

"Those two are infamous," she replied, taking the seat across from him. "So why did you have to be forced?"

He leaned back. "Those two have made it their personal mission to re-integrate me into society. I'm not always willing."

Kelly moved her hands toward the table as she spoke. "They must be worried about you. It can't have been easy to survive what happened to Commander Shepard."

"No, it wasn't."

"What was it like serving with her? With Shepard?" Kelly leaned forward, eager. "Was she as amazing as she looks in the vids?"

Shepard's name ripped at Kaidan, and Kelly's attitude made his hackles rise; she was nothing but a glory-hungry fan, out for any scraps of Shepard she could get. He glared.

"Is that really all you're here for? Stories about Commander Shepard? Because that's something I don't share. With anyone."

Her green eyes widened and she raised her hands in shock, embarrassment. _I surrender_.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan! I didn't mean...I know so little about you except that you served with Shepard. It wasn't my intention to pry into something sensitive."

For a moment, Kaidan considered leaving anyway. But Kelly seemed sincere, and his crew would kill him if he came back too early. So he only said, "It's fine."

Kelly looked into his eyes, then down at the table, guilty. "She...she must have meant a lot to you."

"Yes."

A look passed between them. Hers said, _You should talk about this._ His replied, _I don't want to._

"I heard a rumor that she died in an attack on the _Normandy_." Kelly said.

No response from Kaidan.

"You know, I didn't know the Commander like you did, but I think that she was very dedicated to her crew. It must have brought her some measure of peace that most of them, including you, got away safely."

"She was only twenty-nine," Kaidan spat. "She shouldn't have died in the first place."

"I don't think she had much choice," Kelly said, her voice gentle.

Kaidan looked at her, and she knew those words were a mistake. He knew doctors, he knew shrinks, and he knew when he was being handled. The contempt he now held for her was plain on his face.

"You're right," he said. "You didn't know Shepard. That woman could do _anything_ she set her mind to. She was the finest soldier and the best woman I'd ever seen, but when she died it was because of a stupid mistake."

Kelly leaned forward. "You sound angry that she died, like it was her fault."

"No. It was _mine_."

He put his head in his hands, the words pouring out of him like a dark tide.

"She told me to go, but I _knew_ something would go wrong. When she needed me, I left her. And she was spaced, suffocating, and I could have reached her. I could have used biotics, pulled her in, but...I didn't. I _didn't_. They stopped me but I could have saved her. I could have saved her. But I didn't. So it's not Joker's fault, or Shepard's. It's mine."  
The two of them sat, silent in the midst of the pounding beat of Flux. Kaidan's face remained buried in his hands, hiding from the light, the music, the world. Kelly reached out, placing one of her hands over his.

"Kaidan," she said, "I didn't want to tell you this, because it might be just a rumor. But you're carrying so much guilt over this...what if Shepard didn't die?"

His head rose.

"What."  
"I heard that Shepard was alive. That she was with Cerberus."

For a moment, nothing happened. Then Kaidan stood up, pulled away.

"Thanks for meeting with me," he said, "and for listening. But I think I've had enough. Good night."

He walked away, and Kelly called out, "Kaidan? I'm here if you need anything. Just call."

The commander did not look back.

Kelly went home and sent her report to the Illusive Man. She felt horrible for making Commander Alenko feel like that, but if this was what it took to secure her place on the _Normandy 2_...it was worth it.

#

Kaidan was chatting with his mother via comm link. Sometimes he dreaded the calls (How could she not see how wrong it was to call a grown man "Snugglebunny"?), but he hadn't heard her voice for months.

"Are you sure you're all right?" She asked. "You're eating enough? The migraines are manageable?"

"I'm fine."

"You just seem so...distant. Like part of you isn't here anymore."

"I've been tired lately."

"It's not that. Kaidan, it's been two years. When are you going to move on with your life?"

"I have."

"If you say so. I wish I could have met her; it sounds like she was amazing."

"She was. Mom, I have to go."

"Oh, okay. Love you, Snugglebunny."

"...You too, Mom."

#

A few days after his disastrous date with Kelly Chambers (And what had he been thinking, saying all that to a total stranger?), Kaidan's plan for a colonial stakeout was approved. He was surprised; he'd thought that the admirals would bicker over it for a few more months and then send him a firm rejection. Even more surprising, they wanted him to go alone.

"If nothing happens, we don't want to have wasted human resources when we need them elsewhere," Admiral Hackett explained. "But if Cerberus does show up, we don't want to lose too many people."

Ignoring the reference to his role as cannon fodder, Kaidan said, "Cerberus?"

"We received a tip that the colony on Horizon would be hit next from one of their operatives, and there's always damn fast on the scene when a colony goes missing. Given their history, we're not ruling them out as primary suspects."

As the admiral signed off, Kaidan fought to get himself under control.

_It's just a rumor. Shepard's dead. It might not be Cerberus doing this. _He breathed deeply. _You've got a mission. A job to do. Focus on that, and don't let your personal feelings get involved. You can do this."_

Really, it had been two years since Shepard died. He'd been through the worst of it, and the pain that remained--would always remain--was within his ability to carry. The galaxy was full of more pressing concerns now.

_For God's sake, it's just a rumor._


	6. Horizon

_Finally updated again. I know a lot of you were looking forward to this chapter. Hope you're not too disappointed._

_There will be one more chapter of Carry On, and then maybe a short epilogue. I'm so glad you guys have stuck with it for this long. Writing Kaidan is hard, writing him in grief is harder. Having such great readers makes it worth it._

_Chapter song is the "Love Theme" from The Terminator soundtrack, either_ _the first movie or Salvation. Your preference._

* * *

Kaidan could not move. Correction--only his eyes could move. Up, down, around, he looked for the beings that controlled the swarms. Those same swarms that had stung him and half the colony, locking them in place.

Alliance command believed Cerberus was behind the attacks on the other colonies. Kaidan had believed it, too. But the presence of the swarms, and the appearance of the ship ahead of him--almost organic, like a coccoon--threw the truth in his face and filled him with an almost primal fear. And once the attackers appeared within his field of vision, that fear intensified.

He knew Cerberus. Their methods, their ideals. He knew how to fight them. But these _things_ were not Cerberus. He didn't know what they were, and he was at their mercy, and he was terrified.

His biotics flared, rippled along his skin.

What the--?

One of the aliens, bug-like and chattering, approached him. Kaidan's eyes flickered.

The alien reached for him, then stopped, jerking. It began to writhe. Bits of its carapace flaked away, light pouring from the cracks, its eyes ablaze with the energy that consumed it from the inside...

_Just like Saren._

**ASSUMING CONTROL.**

And then it was over. An entirely new being stood in front of Kaidan, still lit by a weird energy. It turned, regarding him. The thing had no eyebrows, no mouth, and no means of facial expression to speak of, but Kaidan could have sworn it regarded him with contempt.

He desperately wanted to shoot it, but could only flick his eyes back and forth.

**WE ARE THE HARBINGER OF YOUR ASCENSION**, it said. The voice echoed in his mind.** YOU WILL BE USEFUL.**

_Like hell,_ Kaidan thought.

Gunshots sounded at the far end of the colony. The alien looked toward it, and all the others like it lifted into the air, insect-like wings appearing from their exoskeletons. As they buzzed out of sight, the leader blazed brighter, then dimmed. The body, burnt and smoldering, crumbled. **RELEASING CONTROL.**

Kaidan was alone. Still frozen, of course, so couldn't do a full scan to be _sure_, but the area around and behind him was silent. Time to escape.

He let his biotics flow until he was a glowing blue-purple statue. Kaidan held nothing back, feeling the dark energy flow through him, a sense of _power_, of electricity, of potential. It was easy enough to release it, but controlling the energy would be tricky. Every biotic learned to use their abilities through muscle-memory; to perform the same actions with thought alone required more concentration than a soldier on the battlefield could afford.

But now the opposite problem presented itself. How to trigger muscle memory when muscles are incapable of movement.

Sheer will and stubborness, that's how. And thoughts of What Would Shepard Do?

Thinking of her brought on anger. At himself, at Kelly Chambers, at all the rumors about his commander. He let it build, added it to the strength he needed.

_Now, think. Concentrate. I want a barrier. A wall, a shield, armor. My hand would move like __**this**_.

It was building, he could feel it. Like a second skin. So close...now. _Throw._

The biotic field was flung outward, along with _whatever_ field it was that swarm had stung into him. Kaidan didn't care. He was free, armed, and aching to shoot something.

And speaking of shooting something...the turret guns. He didn't know how many colonists had already been taken (there were no pods nearby, and no frozen bodies), but those guns were the best chance he had of saving the survivors. They were counting on him, and he couldn't fail. Not again.

Another round of gunfire pierced the air, the sharp _crack_ of an assault rifle and the deep popping of an SMG. Were they...drawing closer to the turrets?

Kaidan took off, keeping to cover and listening for swarms and gunfire. The insects appeared to have dissipated, and he only saw one of the aliens in his path. He set a biotic warp around the thing and kept going, not even looking behind his shoulder as the invader was ripped to shreds. The gunfire was getting louder. And then, the loud booms of the turrents. They'd gotten them online, whoever they were. An Alliance patrol? It had to be. But how had they known to come? And how had they gotten here so quickly?

It didn't matter; he couldn't worry about that when he had a job to do. Those turrets had needed to go up no matter who got to them first, and he was alone in a colony full of hostiles.

But said hostiles had disappeared, along with all of the colonists in the area. The place appeared deserted, just like every other colony previous.

Had he--failed? After _everything_, had he failed again? The colonists had looked at him with suspicion, doubtful that he could do anything to help them, and they had been _right_.

Please, just one. Let him save just one colonist. Then he could tell Hannah Shepard that he was doing his daughter proud, and all his service to the Alliance was worth it, and he wouldn't have to keep telling everyone that he was _fine_. Just one. Please.

And then, just up ahead, he heard a voice that had grated his nerves on every occasion previously but now sounded like the hallelujah chorus.

"...half the colony's in there! They took Egan and Sam and...and Lilith. Do something!"

Delan, that sonuvabitch. Kaidan could help but grin and almost kept going around the crates when another voice replied.

"I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."

He stopped dead. That voice. Her voice. It couldn't be...

"More than most, Shepard."

Garrus? It had to be Garrus, and he would know. He wouldn't call anyone else...

"Shepard?" Delan said. His voice dropped into the suspicious tones that were all too familiar to Kaidan. "Wait. I know that name. Sure I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

He felt calm. His heart was beating so fast that it felt still. For the first time since the funeral, the breath he took didn't crush his lungs. It was easy to walk forward, to see for himself if he was dreaming again or not.

But he was also more terrified than he'd ever been in his entire life.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel."

She turned to look at him, eyes wide, and it was _her_ face, _her_ eyes. A smile pulled at her lips, and she looked relieved. There was sweat on her brow from the fight, and it glistened. A single drop rolled down the side of her head. Real. She was real.

Not dead.

He looked away for a second, just a second, to pull himself together. Delan was standing there, and Kaidan felt the anger rise up. "Some type of big Alliance hero"? After she'd just _saved_ what was left of the colony?

"You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost." _So speak to her with respect._

But already his anger was moving away from the colonist. It was too big for anyone else but her. Delan was muttering something, walking away. Kaidan didn't care. He was looking at Shepard again, at the way she shifted from one foot to another, at the guilt that passed over her face when she looked at him. Garrus was there on the periphery of his vision, and...a man in a Cerberus uniform.

Cerberus. With Shepard?

The intel they'd gotten, that Cerberus might have been behind the attacks, was obviously false. But they were never up to anything good, and here she was. Shepard. With _Cerberus._

He looked at her face again, and her lips parted, words dying with a breath. Shepard. His Shepard. Alive. What else mattered?

_I love you I love you I love you You're alive and I love you._ The words beat a tattoo inside his skull and he reached for her, embraced her, and his world was whole again. He could feel her form inside her armor, still a perfect fit for his, and her breath whispered past his ear. Her scent was everywhere, the blend of sweat and gun oil and that shampoo she used...he buried his nose in her hair and was completely, utterly lost.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did." _I never thought I would feel this again._

Because she was dead. Or he thought she was dead. She had lived. Lived for two years, and not a word? And now she was with Cerberus. He pulled away.

And that was when the fight started.

#

"Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful."

Kaidan walked away, and his heart slowed down enough to where he could feel it again. He knew because it was ripping itself apart. From behind him, he heard her voice one more time.

"Joker--send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."

As he walked on, he heard a shuttle descend, then lift off. Shepard was gone. Back to her ship. Back to her mission. And he was here.

Wrong. It was wrong. What had he done? Goddammit, _what had he done?!_ She'd called for Joker. Even Joker was on that ship with her. Who else? Dr. Chakwas? Tali? Liara? Everyone except for _him_?

He screamed, yelled, punched the nearest crate into oblivion. Had the past two years meant _anything_?

Kaidan collapsed to his knees, head in his hands.

_Shepard._


	7. Hard to Port

_This chapter's for jillyfae, who dared me to update. I got around to it. Eventually._

_Theme is "Labor of Love", also from the Star Trek (2009) soundtrack. For some reason, Anderson and Alenko interactions just sound like Starfleet. What's up with that?_

_Only the epilogue left. I'll have it up in a few hours._

* * *

"You should have told me."

Kaidan's stance was rigid military--hands behind his back, spine straighter than it had any right to be, face turned directly in front of him. But his eyes were narrowed, glaring at Councilman Anderson.

For his part, Anderson wouldn't quite meet Kaidan's gaze. "Told you what, exactly?"

"That she was alive. That she came to the Citadel after I left for Horizon. That she _specifically asked about me._ Take your pick, sir. I'm very interested in your answer."

"Commander--"

"No, wait, I've thought up another one. Did you have a picture of me on a desk here when she arrived? Because that is a really shitty way to play someone, especially when that person looked up to you like a father."

"Alenko--"

"It seems like an especially bad move to make when she was, and still is, one of the best soldiers and most recognizable figures in the _entire galaxy_. Alienating that sort of person doesn't seem like the best course of action. _Sir._"

"Kaidan!"

Anderson was out of his chair now, his hands on his desk. "Commander, you will shut up and let me explain or, biotics or not, I _will_ have you thrown from this office. Do I make myself clear?"

Kaidan nodded.

"Good. Now, let me address your...concerns...in order. The first three concerned Shepard's reappearance at the Citadel and her meeting with me.

"I didn't tell you she was alive because _I didn't know_. Not for certain. There were rumors that Cerberus had gotten hold of Shepard's genetic material. There was speculation that they were cloning her, or disguising agents as her. We didn't know that they had gotten her entire corpse and were attempting _resurrection_.

"Then Cerberus sent us a message, coded to specific Alliance frequencies. Basically it said, 'She's ours now. If you want to talk to her, go through us.' They were bragging, Alenko. But we didn't know if it was the truth."

"So you invited her to meet with you here," Kaidan said. His voice still sounded harsh, but most of his anger was directed elsewhere now--at Cerberus. How dare they touch her? How dare they?

"Yes, I did," Anderson continued. "It was an evaluation, to see if she was authentic. The scans at C-sec verified that the body was original. No cloning, no Cerberus facial surgery on an operative. But I didn't know if they'd affected her mind. I talked with her, trying to get a fix on her memories, on who she was. Hence, the picture of you. I wanted her reaction."

"And?" Kaidan asked.

"It's still her. If it hadn't been, do you really think I would have let her leave this office without handcuffs?"

Kaidan stiffened even further at that thought. "So why didn't you tell her where I was? Why not tell me that she was alive?"

Anderson's gaze was steady. "Because even if she hadn't been an agent of Cerberus, both of you had a mission to accomplish. And if you two had gone rushing off together, lives would be lost somewhere down the line. I needed you to do your job."

"When have I _never_ done my job?" Kaidan snarled. "Even after all my years of service--"

"--you still slept with your commanding officer." Anderson finished. "Alenko, you and Shepard are two of the finest soldiers the Alliance has ever produced, but the feelings you two have for each other made the situation _dangerous_. Judging by just how quickly Shepard got to Horizon, she would risk anything to ensure your safety. You would do the same for her.

"The galaxy was at stake, and still is. I couldn't take the chance that either of you would abandon your mission. I'm sorry."

For a moment, the two men were locked in a stare, searching for truth, or understanding. Kaidan finally looked down, his eyes closing. He didn't want to accept this. Things could have gone, should have gone differently on Horizon. But they didn't, and that was the right thing to do.

But he still hated himself.

"Where did you get your information, Alenko?" Anderson asked, his voice quiet.

"Joker's piloting the SR-2. He owes me a favor." Damn right he did. All Kaidan had had to do was sent him a message with his words from the funeral. _'She gave her life to save an idiot like you. I need some questions answered.'_ He'd gotten the answers he wanted, and something else:

_P.S. Some of the new guys (and girls) have been hitting on Shepard, but no dice. Just checked the cameras, and she's staring at the photo of you she has on her desk. Again. Looks like we both have something to make up to her._

Kaidan had almost gone insane.

"Captain...councilor." His voice cracked. "Do you know if they'll make it back? If she'll make it out alive?"

Anderson sat down again, dropping into his chair as if a weight had just been placed on his shoulders. "Honestly, I don't know. No one ever has before."

So that was it. He'd lost her, gotten her back, and lost her again. For one brief moment on Horizon, his world had been right again--her scent overpowering him, her body against his--and he had thrown it all away.

It occurred to him that he and Shepard were really shitty at goodbyes. The first time, her last words had been, "Kaidan, go. Now." His had been, "Aye, aye." And this time, he'd said...what? "Take care, Shepard."

No, they'd never had a proper goodbye.

If he could do it all over again, he would never let her go. But if he had to lose her, it would be after he memorized every inch of her, kissed her with all the passion and feeling he possessed, and then told her in no uncertain terms that she was the love of his life. It wouldn't be enough. But it would be something.

"Alenko."

He looked up. Anderson had pulled out a datapad, held it outstretched in one hand.

"Her contact information. Just don't forget that she still has her own job to do."

Kaidan must have nodded, must have taken the datapad. He must have saluted, and left Anderson's office. But he wasn't sure. The next memory he could recall was sitting at his own desk in his tiny apartment on the Citadel, typing a letter to her.

It wasn't a goodbye letter. He was really shitty with goodbyes. Mostly because he'd never let her go to begin with.

_About Horizon..._


	8. Epilogue: Whole

_The epilogue. Short and sweet._

* * *

When the _Normandy_ docked, Kaidan was waiting. He watched as the once-beautiful ship, still emblazoned with the Cerberus symbol, limped into port at Omega. It felt like two years ago.

As the crew filed off the ship, most of them surely to procure supplies or begin repairs, he saw familiar faces. Tali, who started when she saw him, then bobbed her head in what might have been a wink, and walked away. Garrus, who came over to shook his hand, then leaned in close to say, "I hope you know what you're doing this time." He left too, and there was a glimpse of the man that had been on Horizon with Shepard. There was a tear on his clothing where the Cerberus symbol used to be.

Others went past; so many that Kaidan changed his original guess. Shepard must have given them shore leave before the work got started. Even Joker, who avoided Kaidan's gaze until he went over and shook the pilot's hand.

"You did good, Joker." He said.

Joker nodded. "We didn't lose anyone," he said. His voice verged on awe. "A suicide mission, and we didn't lose a single person."

"Of course not. It's Shepard we're talking about." Kaidan grinned.

After that, no more of the crew left the ship. Still no sign of Shepard. There was only one thing for it, then.

The doors opened for him immediately, and as he stepped inside, he was dazed. It was the _Normandy_, but not. It was all the change that had happened over two years, physically reflected in the ship.

He walked around, glancing around corners and workstations, looking for her. A voice, both distinctly female and synthetic, came over the comm. system.

"Commander Alenko. Mr. Moreau told me to expect you. Commander Shepard is in the captain's cabin, one floor above. You may use the elevator in the CIC."

_Thank you, Joker._

The elevator was so fast; he didn't have time to breathe, to get himself under control. He was standing at her door, and he didn't know what to do. This could be his last chance.

One last deep breath, and he opened the door.

She hadn't heard him come in. He watched as she leaned over her desk, staring at something with such intensity. He came closer, and still she didn't hear him.

He looked over her shoulder at a picture of himself.

They were so close, now. He could smell her scent again, hear her breath. _Real. Alive._

"Shepard."

She stiffened. Her head turned, disbelieving when she saw him standing there. Neither of them moved, afraid to break the spell, or the dream.

"Shepard," he whispered.

He expected her to hit him. Yell at him. Possibly shoot him. But he didn't expect her to start trembling, or to see a tear slide down her cheek.

"Kaidan," she said.

The next step he took was the easiest one in his life, the one that pulled her back into his arms, into a kiss that crossed time and saved galaxies.

* * *

_The Playlist:_

_Love Theme, Mass Effect soundtrack_

_Ascension/Nature Boy, Ewan McGregor, Moulin Rouge soundtrack (disc 2)_

_Hella Bar Talk, Star Trek (2009) soundtrack_

_I Grieve, Peter Gabriel, City of Angels soundtrack_

_Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer_

_Broken, Amy Lee & Seether_

_Watermark, Enya_

_Main Theme from Somewhere in Time, composed by John Barry_

_Death of the First Born, Prince of Egypt soundtrack_

_Farewell Blues, Yoko Kanno, Cowboy Bebop soundtrack_

_Labor of Love, Star Trek (2009) soundtrack_

_Rain, Halo 3 ODST soundtrack_

_Love Theme, Terminator: Salvation soundtrack_


	9. Epilogue: Alternate Ending

A suicide mission. One that no one had returned from alive. To go beyond the Omega-4 relay, to what was now believed to be the Collector base of operations.

The _Normandy SR-2_ made the leap one day, while Kaidan was asleep. When he got up the next morning, there was a message from Anderson waiting on his omni-tool.

_They're through the relay. _

And for the next eighteen hours, Kaidan Alenko was a wreck.

It all ran through his mind again, the past two and a half years. From the moment he lost her, her body falling through space, to every day when he had to work to get out of bed, to seeing her alive again, and walking away from her. So much of that time had been a blur for him. He couldn't live the rest of his life that way. Not again.

_Breathe, Alenko._ But each breath was too fast, too ragged. It wasn't long before the pounding in his head started, a migraine that refused to go away.

And then, when he had just taken his third dose of painkillers, another message arrived. From the _Normandy_.

_I'm back._

Kaidan had never prayed much before. That had been Ash's area, to talk to whatever insane entity had any control over this universe. But now he fell to his knees, smiling, and said, "Thanks. I owe you one. Just don't take her away any time soon. We need her. I need her."

He thought for sure that the Citadel would be their next stop, that he would see her again soon. But a few days later, the news told him differently.

The Alpha Relay had been destroyed by Commander Shepard. Over three hundred thousand batarians were dead. Shepard was returning to Earth, where she would stand trial for her crimes.

What?

Shepard...what had she done?

What had happened to the woman he knew, who would go to any lengths to spare a life? A rachni queen, the colonists of Zhu's Hope, the council...they all owed their lives to her. What had changed, had made her see fit to destroy a relay and hundreds of thousands of lives?

He didn't know. And now he had a job to do. Admiral Hackett wanted him on Earth; they had a new ship, one he might be familiar with...

#

She was so close, but he couldn't see her.

Shepard had been confined to quarters at Alliance Headquarters, while he worked at the Alliance Shipyards, acting as a consultant to the team working on the _Normandy_.

He was almost useless, really. This was not the ship he'd served on, though sometimes it almost felt that way. _Normandy_ had changed, just as Shepard had. That was clear from the moment he stepped aboard and met EDI.

"Welcome, Commander Alenko," she'd said.

"Are you the ship's VI?" He'd asked.

A pause. Hesitation. That told him all he needed to know before she even answered. "No. I am an artificial intelligence. I run the cybernetic warfare suites, and help my crewmates.

"Will you shut me down, Commander Alenko?"

An AI. What had Shepard been thinking? What had Joker?

"Tell me about your experiences with the crew, first." He'd said.

They talked for a long time. EDI saw everything on the ship, remembered all the peculiarities of her crew. How Joker was antagonistic towards her at first, and smeared grease on the bridge cameras. Which people had asked Shepard about Kaidan after Horizon. What she had answered. She missed him.

Kaidan took a deep breath. Shepard made him do the craziest things. "EDI, we are going to pretend that you are, in fact, a VI. I'm going to set up a few programs that will make it more believable for the Alliance techs that are going to be poking around here. Don't give yourself away, all right?"

"Understood, Commander Alenko. Commander Shepard believed that that would be your response. Jeff was more reluctant, but even he agreed in the end."

"Right. Of course she did." Kaidan ran a hand through his hair. "I don't suppose you'd have any idea where she is now?"

She did. EDI even knew the name of the soldier that was guarding her.

So when Kaidan ran into James Vega a few weeks later, they became acquaintances. He didn't ask about Shepard, and Vega gave very little away. But it was enough.

That was a lie. But it was a lie that he had told himself so many times that he could halfway believe it now.

But he did learn a few things about Shepard. That she paced her room often, which he had guessed. That she destroyed the Alpha Relay to delay the Reaper's return, which he had not. (Though he should have.) That she spent a lot of time looking out the window, or petitioning to speak with the higher-ups about the coming Reaper threat.

And, according to EDI, she missed him.

They were idiots to lock her in that room. He knew that now, and when the first whispers of a fleet heading to Earth began to reach him, he believed it. Reapers were coming. Hackett had his eye on the ball at least; he'd started mobilizing the fleets. But they were running out of time, and Shepard was locked in a room while they all debated what to do.

So when they called him in to get his opinion, he'd told them the truth. That people weren't fooled by whatever cover story they were spreading. That everyone was more tense, more stressed, than they'd ever been. The Reapers were coming to Earth, and they were going to be in the biggest war of their lives. And if they wanted to have a fighting chance, they needed Commander Shepard. Right now.

And then they asked him if he trusted her.

He hesitated. The answer came from a place inside him that was deeply scarred, even now. "I don't know," he said. "But we need her."

They must have been listening. When he was finally dismissed a half an hour later, Anderson was already heading in. Behind him was James Vega and...

Jane Shepard.

"Shepard?" He said. It slipped out of him, and he fought the urge to hold her like he had on Horizon.

Her eyes were wide. She hadn't expected to see him, either. "Kaidan?"

She came closer as he talked with Anderson for a moment. Had she been sleeping? Yes, no dark circles under her eyes. And no longer as gaunt as she'd been. She looked healthy, but when he looked at her eyes, they were haunted.

He had to turn aside, to let her and Anderson go and see the committee. Watched her walk away, and felt something unclench in his chest. She would be reinstated, he was sure of it. They needed her. _He_ needed her. But as Kaidan watched her walk away, he wondered if they would ever have that chance again, or if they even should. Did she deserve that chance? Did he?

James was just behind him. "You know the Commander?" He asked.

Kaidan didn't take his eyes off of her until she was out of sight.

"I used to."


End file.
